yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
