theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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