I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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