I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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