Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
