If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
