I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
