can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
