a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
