Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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