There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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