I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
