why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
