i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
