How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
