I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
