she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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