It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
