Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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