K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
