Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
