How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
