naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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