I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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