Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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