Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
