I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
