You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
