My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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