why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
