when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
