My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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