I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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