I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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