need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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