Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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