i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
