I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
