Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am one with the molecules
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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