did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
