if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
