One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
