Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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