Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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