So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
