he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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