if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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