Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
