are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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