if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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