Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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